As we all know from experience, everyone is different. Finding one other person on the planet we’re compatible with is difficult. In the course of our normal lives, we seek a partner who shares our interests, our values and our outlook on life. Someone who makes us feel special; who makes us laugh, makes us feel warm and cared for. Most of us are lucky enough to find at least one such person in our lifetime.
But if your sexual interests include anything beyond the ‘vanilla’, it gets much more difficult. The chances of finding someone with all the above, plus the same kinks, desires and fantasies are very small indeed. People can spend a lifetime seeking the right person, and still fail.
In fiction, it’s easy; these things just miraculously happen. The shy girl finds her alpha billionaire; the cowboy finds his top, the ex-cheerleader finds her mistress. But the reality is somewhat different. After all, if it was that easy, there wouldn’t be so much fiction catering to these markets.
In the past, it was even more difficult. The kink and fetish world operated in the twilight; cryptic adverts in the press, Post Office Boxes promising a few photos or contact details, risky encounters in seedy bars. The internet has changed things, offering endless possibilities, but it’s still a minefield and the risks are still there.
Indeed, the internet has potentially made things a lot worse. Along with things like Fifty Shades, it has brought the world of kink and fetish to a much wider audience. But it’s an audience who often don’t take the time to understand it, and fail to do their research. That can be dangerous for everyone involved.
Of course, you could just try widening your horizons with your existing partner. How many couples are never completely open with each other about their needs? How many hidden desires are there in your neighbours, your friends and your workmates? Talk, discuss your needs with your partner; you never know, their eyes might light up, and your relationship may never be the same again.
Or you may be gravely disappointed; it may even bring the relationship to an end. Even if it doesn’t, you may need to sublimate that part of yourself, accepting that it won’t happen. Which is a shame.
So, if you’re someone with particular needs, what do you do? How do you find someone to help you explore them? Sure, there are a myriad of websites supposedly dedicated to finding like-minded people, whatever their need. But most are glorified dating sites, and we all know how good they are. You may be asked to tick off a highly-simplified list of likes and dislikes, but if people haven’t done their research, how accurate are they likely to be?
The more specialist sites may appear more reliable, but we’ve all heard stories from even the best run sites of predators and dangerous characters; male, female, straight, gay and anywhere in between. It doesn’t look good for the newbie trying to navigate their way through this newly discovered part of their life.
The most successful method seems to involve actually meeting people. Somehow getting involved in a ‘community’; a word which has vague connotations and meanings. They could try a local group. Most major towns and cities will have a group or two dedicated to fetishes or BDSM and they’re relatively easy to find. They may hold the ubiquitous munch once a month and welcome fresh members. But not everyone is a joiner; for many people, it would be unthinkable to walk alone into an established group of kinksters and feel comfortable or safe.
For some activities, it’s possible to buy what you need. There are plenty of professionals out there offering a variety of services and many will be better than an amateur could ever be. For some, this will be the ideal solution. But for many, the coldness of the transaction will be off-putting; they’re looking for a warmth, an intimacy that only a long term relationship can satisfy.
Many – indeed, I suspect most – people will fail to find a suitable outlet for their desires, and satisfy them with porn or erotica. There is nothing wrong with this, of course. As a writer of erotica, I hope I go some way to meeting this need. But as we all know, it’s not the same as participating in the real activity.
I can’t pretend to have the answer. I’ll freely admit I haven’t found anyone to explore all my fantasies with, and I probably never will. I put a lot of them into my writing, and sometimes wish I was as lucky as my characters. Perhaps it’s my way of dealing with the disappointment! But however unlikely it is, I’ll never give up that last bit of hope that I might meet the right person.
If you’ve had more luck than most of us, how did you find the perfect partner for your fantasies? Was it luck? Was it some invitation-only website? Or a club hidden down a dark alleyway? Why not tell us your secrets? We’d all be very grateful.
